I think that this is due to be the 100th review of Marquee Moon, so rather than repeat the same congratulations to the guitarists that 99 other reviewers have made, and instead of patting Tom Verlaine on the back for his song writing abilities, I thought I might compare this debut from Television to tonight's terrestrial UK television.
7:30 Coronation Street vs. "See No Evil"
Endlessly entertaining as it is to watch inbred northerners have affairs with their son's fiance, or gigantic pit-bull-faced women smear themselves in orange day-glo tan whilst shouting at their partner until a church is found for their reluctant union of hearts, Television come out on top in the first round if only for the fantastic jangly riff that fills my heart with more happiness than ugly fat women belting seven shades of shit out of each other ever could. The solo is fretwank-tastic too.
8:00 Eastenders vs. "Venus de Milo"
More miserable ashen faces, more over-the-top disputes between people that not only live and work in Albert Square, with other residents of the Square, they also socialise in the Square and no one owns a washing machine so they all have their dirty laundry washed and aired by Pauline Fowler. No wonder they're so bitchy. Television (the band) are triumphant again here, little contest between misery and musical mastery. Guitars that seem to imitate a peel of bells, a conversational chorus, and spacey solos. Inspired.
[earlier that evening] 6:30 Hollyoaks vs. "Friction"
A soap so ridiculous that not even wooden acting can hide the shockingly unrealistic plot twists. Supposedly the cast are picked on their looks, but to be honest I've seen better looking chicken curries splashed against the porcelain of my toilet bowl.
These scouse/mancunians are no match from the kinky funk of "Friction", which is also meritable for it's success in squeezing "Take note of my Dick.........Tion" in amongst all of the musical haphazadry, a cheeky play on words indeed.
9:00 The 9 o'clock News vs. "Marquee Moon"
Lately it seems that God has finally given up on us and decided he's given us enough chances to all get along and decided that he will give us an unpleasant dose of his infamous Wrath. There seems to be natural disasters every week, there was even a Tornado (the second this year)where I live in Moseley, Birmingham, England.....England??!!. Is this a media frenzy or is this just the end of the world? There are constant reports of death from this ridiculous religious crusade of America's, and not even the local news channels have happy "Cat stuck up tree and rescued by animal-loving grandma" stories anymore.
"I remember how the darkness doubled/I recall how lightning struck itself/I remember listening to the rain/And hearing something else." These lines seem to take on new meaning now. "Marquee moon is and obvious winner because it's far better to listen to the rousing climax of the finale to the solo section than it is to hear about what a cruel world we live in.
7:45 England vs. Poland
Finally England find their form and beat neutral Poland 2-1. But there is only one winner here, you guessed it, it's those Television boys. There are immense amounts of fun to be had trying to hit the cymbal beat in time with the record after the chorus line; "Elevation, Don't go to my head"-boom. Or is it "Don't go to my he-boom"? I get it right about one in five attempts.
9:30 Some Celebrities Attempting to do Something 'Reality' based vs "Guiding Light"
Have you ever watched a society 'It' girl wank off a pig? It's much less arousing than you might think. Television (the popular beat combo) win hands down and un-clenched!
10:00 CSI Miami vs. "Prove It"
Crime solving has never been so digitally enhanced, nor so quick and easy, nor has it been so sexy. Only in Miami can you walk onto a closed crime scene without your hair tied back and wearing no protective clothing, and make a bee line for the one piece of microscopic forensic evidence that will solve your entire case. All of this is done in a smashing blouse. Of course.
"Prove It" wins for being able to prove it more realistically than this show ever could.
11:00 Britain's Best Loved Love Songs vs. "Torn Curtain"
Up against the likes of Robbie Williams' "Angels" and Chris de Bergh's "Lady In Red" you wouldn't expect an epic finale like "Torn Curtain" to struggle, and you'd be right to think that. With a few exceptions (including "Unchained Melody" coming in at number one - The Righteous Brothers version), this list of songs lacked any sincerity and was like an identity parade line-up of all of the worst cliches imaginable by the human mind. "Torn Curtain" spanked it like a naughty little boy's backside, and finished the evening on a soaring high for Television (the instrument fondlers).
So, if anyone wants to know how good Marquee Moon is, you can tell them with confidence that it is far better than last night's television.
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