sábado, 21 de noviembre de 2015

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: Favian_Lobo reviews You Made Me Realise by My Bloody Valentine (Jul 08, 2011)


Bullet for My Valentine surely must be a shit band because every time I attempt to show this band to anyone they confuse the two and cringe with immeasurable horror.

#1

"No you dumb fuck, it's My Bloody Valentine."
"I just don't want to hear it, it's not my type of music."
"I really think you're confusing this band with that shit band Bullet for My Valentine."
"Like I said, I'm just not into that genre. Thanks though."
"BUT IT'S A DIFFERENT FUCKING BAND!"
"Agree to disagree I guess."
"I'm sure you haven't even heard it."
"I've heard it."
"What you heard is a metal band called BULLET for my Valentine! I'm talking about MY Bloody Valentine, completely different story. It's an 80s band, I know you'll like it."
"I just don't like music like that alright!"
"You idiot, you think just because they both have Valentine in the name then it must be the same emo bullshit. It's different, fuck! What don't you understand? It's a good band...you'll fucking like it goddamnit!"
"Alright I'm outta here, you're sounding crazy."
"You're making a big mistake man, big mistake."

#2

"Wow, you jumped as if my headphones had aids or something"
"It's just...I really don't want to hear it."
"You don't even want to give it the benefit of the doubt?"
"I'm good, thanks."
"Listen to me. This isn't what you think it is. This is good. I promise. What would I gain lying to you saying this is something it's not?"
...
"So you're just going to walk away is that it? Not even gonna say anything, huh? Real mature."

#3

"I would rather listen to an acoustic Bret Michaels album on repeat all day, then some pussy metal boy band."
"My Bloody Valentine is an Irish shoegaze band formed in the 1983. They sound like a mix between Jesus and the Mary Chain, Sonic Youth and the Velvet Underground. They are highly experimental and use a lot effects to give their music ambience and rich textures. I think I have been courteous enough with you all day and reasonable enough, for you to at least grant me a minute of your time to listen to what would most definitely become a pleasurable and insightful experience.”
“Fuck off.”

And those are just three examples out of the thousands I have experienced because Bullet for My Valentine tainted the word “Valentine” for eternity and made it synonymous with shit. As for the EP, it’s alright, I like it.

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: theironlung reviews Greed by Swans (Jul 29, 2012)


Sex With Michael Gira.

What is sex like with Michael Gira? It’s a question I’ve pondered many times, about a great many men, but the thought of sexual intercourse with Michael Gira is something I constantly return to, more so than others. Sex with Friedrich Nietzsche must have surely been terrifyingly masochistic and dangerous (not without protection, Freddy). Ingmar Bergman’s many affairs meant he was probably a great lover in bed, but he also probably cried relentlessly afterwards every time out of guilt and the lack of God’s answers for shagging. Someone like Cary Grant would have been a fantastically smooth talker, but given that he was probably gay, he would also have probably been a slight disappointment. Klaus Kinski would probably not allow you to make a single sound, in case you distract him from his task. A Marlene Dietrich would probably eat you alive and forget about you immediately. Patti Smith may have never been the most attractive woman, but she probably knows what she’s doing. I would expect nothing less than a great night with Nick Cave. Grace Kelly was probably too gracious and beautiful and perfect and angelic to have ever had anything as human as sex and all of her children arrived by stork.

But Michael Gira? Lord knows what that’s like. I don’t think Jarboe could bring herself to talk about it if you asked her, it was probably too terrifying, or maybe even non-existent. After many hours pondering (because what better things do I have to do than ponder how Michael Gira tackles penetration?), I have come to the conclusion that Mr. Gira is either entirely asexual and has always been that way, or he’s a complete fucking jackhammer. I can imagine him hating sex like he hates absolutely everything. On the other hand perhaps he only hates everything because he does not get enough sex. If it’s the latter than he’s probably incredibly frustrated in bed anyway, and it leads to 300mph machine-gun fucking. Does he even have a mattress? Is it just a metal or concrete slab? I doubt Michael Gira has a memory foam mattress. There’s probably a bunch of metal chains hanging around for sado-masochistic stuff, and also love poems to Jarboe and some hot waitress in a place he frequents, although I suppose Michael Gira probably only eats goat intestines, which they don’t serve in this hypothetical place. Probably Michael Gira just likes the coffee. Am I the only one asking these questions?

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: RickofLaval2 reviews Isn't Anything by My Bloody Valentine (Dec 28, 2011)


I went into record store, in early 1989, and there was this beautiful girl. She thought I worked there, so she started to seduce me. She asked, "Hey do you have the new My Bloody Valentine album Isn't Anything?"

I responded, "No...I...I don't know who they are, sorry."

Then she touched me at the hips and said in a soft voice, "Do you work here?"

I started to shake nervously as there were others starting to notice. I said in a flat voice, "No".

She slapped me and screamed, "Pervert!". 

Immediately, I walked over to the M section and found the album as people were yelling, "Call the cops". The girl screamed  like a banshee,  "Pervert, he touched me!!!"
The cops were called. Never again did I visit this store, but I ended up buying the album before being handcuffed. Best Purchase ever.

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: ozzystylez reviews Lift Yr. Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven by Godspeed You Black Emperor! (Oct 12, 2012)


Project; After the Event.
Log #47
23/11/09 AD2198

It's been three years now and I am still no closer to understanding artefact KRANK043 than I was when we first unearthed it. Having scrutinised the paper and the cardboard outer layer, handling them delicately with tweezers, any clue, any hint of what this might have represented before The Event has led to a dead end. Oftentimes it feels as though a cruel joke or as though the architects of this widely debated archaeological find are laughing from their graves as we try to reconstruct the message delivered in this thing of untameable power. The most recent of these was the lead which we followed when we made the connection between the band in the photograph inside and the Nazi Punk movement of the late 20th Century. Having sourced some of the music from this genre we could only conclude that the band pictured were most certainly not the band that we hear on these discs and furthermore, the words on their clothing look to have been superimposed, which only adds to the mystery as this could well be another statement being made to the people who lived before The Event. Perhaps a warning of some kind?

On the reverse of this photograph is a timeline which seems to describe the path of the music and assembled sounds. This has furthered our understanding of what the musicians were trying to achieve but, alas, has also opened up more avenues of thought amongst the professors studying this relic. There are moments in "Gathering Storm" where the mood does seem to create an image in the head of the listener of a gathering storm of heavy clouds which eventually breaks, but it is followed by an announcement issuing a warning against people not affiliated with Barco AM/PM; some thinkers are proposing that it was members of the Barco AM/PM cult who instigated the events leading up to The Event whilst others dismiss this as paranoid ramblings of clueless men, but argue instead that a black cloud of pollution did cover the earth during the early years of the 21st Century, and the fear that these musicians had was that it would break and their efforts to warn the planet of the dangers that they would face should it rain down on them were crystallized in the very dark and sombre mood which follows the moment when the storm breaks. But then the gathering of the storm sounds quite beautiful and the first drops of rain that we hear are very gentle.

So this part of the evidence can be frustrating to look into, particularly as the timescale seems to be incorrect in many instances and the numbers seem to be purposefully misleading as opposed to helpful or enlightening. But I have nowhere else to turn and I am running short on answers. I know that it remains imperative that I come to some conclusions as this has been a discovery which holds so much power and knowledge if we can only extract it. There is a chance that there is a warning hidden inside, a warning that might help us to avoid another event like The Event.

The only thing that I can be completely sure on is that this artefact can take me by the throat and drag me, sometimes against my will, through every aspect of the human condition; with it playing I can feel every emotion that our forefathers felt before The Event. Rather than just fear and hunger I can feel the human response to beauty; sometimes during what we have come to call "World Police and Friendly Fire" every hair on my body pricks up on end and I feel for a moment the electricity and the rush of absolute terror, a memory I have from my early childhood just before The Event. There is elation and thrilling excitement for a brief moment and the disappointment when it is snatched away as quickly as it was given some time during the indeterminable section we are guessing is called "She Dreamt She Was a Bulldozer". Sometimes I think that all of my research is in vain, that no single interpretation is ever going to be enough. I have tried without success to convince the head of the research team to allow me to release this to all of the survivors in the hope that collectively we can all understand it, and that it can enhance their lives as it has mine and the other members of the research team.

There continue to be mysteries to unfold but I personally feel that I cannot unfold them alone; there is something very human about this and it is as hard to unlock the complex workings of our brain as it is to unlock the message which this music is undoubtedly delivering. But as we enjoy the company of others, and often for reasons that are completely unknown to us, so too could we all benefit from regular exposure to artefact KRANK043. Healing the wounds following The Event could maybe be sped up tenfold or more with a glimpse at what once made us great as a race, without all of the things that brought about our downfall.

End.

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: rushomancy reviews Crac! by Area (Aug 12, 2009)


Funny, isn't it, the ideas people get about genre.  Someone will say about, for instance, this record, or about _Tago Mago_: 

"Well, obviously this isn't prog rock." 

If asked why they have that particular impression, their response will, generally, boil down to this: 

"Because I hate prog rock, and I like this." 

It works the other way, too, mind.  I knew a fellow who was absolutely dead certain convinced that Funkadelic were a progressive rock band, because really, how could any band that great not be progressive rock? 

I also knew a guy who invented an entire genre of music, which seemed to encompass all the music he, personally liked.  If someone wants to do that I guess that's fine.  What amazes me is that his little made-up genre actually had some degree of wider acceptance.  As if there was anything that Kate Bush and Magma had in common in terms of musical style. 

I knew another guy... well, I didn't know him.  I was listening to the radio one day years and years ago, and they were talking about Demetrios Stratos.  (If you're wondering why they were discussing Demetrios Stratos on the radio, this was WFMU.)  Anyway, the DJ who was interviewing this guy only knew Stratos from his solo work, and was actually under the impression that Area were a mainstream Italian pop band.  I guess because their records said "International POPular Group" on the cover.  Probably he hadn't had the opportunity to hear them. 

All this leads to my current distrust of genre. 

The larger point is this: Whatever this is- prog, jazz-fusion, Italian pop- it's certainly very good, although I do sometimes find myself wishing Stratos did more singing, or was more integrated into the goings-on, and the first side overall outshines the second, particularly the utterly classic first two tracks.  And whatever it is, it's certainly not typical.  Recommended.

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: RIStout reviews Amplifier Worship by Boris (Dec 15, 2005)


Rock 'n' Roll Elementary 
2112 Teenage Rebellion Lane 
Podunk, Nowheresville 

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Postrock, 

  This letter is in regards to your child Boris. While he/she/he is very intelligent and talented, has a delightful personality, and is quite calm and well-mannered outside of class, we've noticed some behavioral problems that have arisen lately. Your young student tends to interrupt classroom proceedings with voracious energy, ferociously stomping and jumping up and down, throwing (expensive) furniture, and generally creating havoc. Boris can also be loud, VERY loud. This anarchy is very distressing to their classmates. Why just the other day, after a particularly rambunctious session, I found little Lemmy Heavymetal cowering in a corner, muttering something I couldn't understand. I might be wrong, but I believe it was in Japanese. When I finally was able to calm him down a bit, he broke into tears, bitterly lamenting that he could not make his guitar put out that big noise. I fear this may be only the first of many psychological problems which may come to the fore if we do not address Boris' forceful style. 

  We do not wish to stifle the creativity of your pride and joy, but to channel it constructively. Indeed, on the plus side, Boris has the amazing ability to focus for long periods of time. But often this focus is accompanied by a deep keening drone which disturbs the children. Amazingly your son/daughter/son has done well with homework and is nearly a straight A student, as you well know. We see a bright future for Boris if only it would bring its three heads together and pay attention to the work like the others. I'd like to set up an appointment for you to come in and we can try and find a solution to this situation. 

Sincerely, 
Miss Rourke 
3rd Period Power-Chording

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: ozzystylez reviews ( ) by Sigur Rós (Jul 30, 2007)


Scene: interior of Sigur Ros' management offices on a cold day in Iceland.  All exchanges will be in English to make it easier for the reader. 

Manager: Alright lads!!  How's it going?  How's the new album?  Come in, come in, give us the lowdown.  You got a name for it yet? 

Jonsi: No, we're err, we're not going to have a title for this one. 

Manager: Right, right.  Might be difficult, but I like it, yeah, good marketing point.  Okay, but what about the songs, have they got...... 

Jonsi shakes his head slowly 

No, of course not, why have song titles if you haven't even called your album anything?  Okay, I can probably get round that too.  What I need is an idea, some themes, what are you singing about? 

Jonsi: Well, I'm not actually singing any words, just making noises with my mouth that sound a bit like words. 

Manager: O............K. 

Jonsi: Well, technically, it's our own made up language, but it doesn't mean anything.  Essentially I'm just going la la la la, blurblurble, lala.   

Manager: Again, interesting, but I'm really going to be struggling selling this one to the public.  You crazy kids.  I mean, how are you going to sell this? 

Jonsi: Well, look here, look.  Peer into the mystical sea shell and your questions will be answered. 

Inside the sea shell there is a vision of Heaven, it is the day after Judgement Day, the results are in and God is handing out the prizes. 

God: SO, THAT WAS THE CORRECT WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.  NOW, NEXT UP WE HAVE THE BEST ALBUM BY A NON ETHEREAL BEING.  THE CONTENDERS ARE: 

RADIOHEAD, PINK FLOYD, THE BEATLES AND SIGUR ROS. 

SO, LET'S OPEN UP THE ENVELOPE. 

AH, MY FAVOURITE TOO, THE WINNER IS................SIGUR ROS WITH THEIR ALBUM WHICH IS UNUTTERABLE BECAUSE IT IS IN FACT THE WORD OF GOD, AND DOWN THERE ON EARTH, YOUR TINY LITTLE EAR DRUMS WOULD HAVE BLOWN APART IF YOU HEARD ME SPEAK. 

RYM Member with little respect for the supreme being:  But why that one sir, why not Revolver?  We all know that that is commonly regarded as being the best. 

God: WELL, WHY DON'T WE ASK MATTHEW OSBORNE, HE CAN PROBABLY EXPLAIN IT BETTER THAN I CAN. 

Matthew Osborne: Thanks God, the reason it is the best is because it can move you like when you realise that one day you're going to die, but at the same time it reminds you of all the goodness and light in the world. 

God: THANKS MATTHEW, VERY SUCCINCT AS USUAL.  NOW, IF WE CAN MOVE ON TO THE NEXT CATEGORY OF BEST ASS.................. 

Jonsi closes the sea shell and gives the manager a knowing look 

Manager: Okay, I'm sold, that sounds pretty good, and a recommendation from Matthew Osborne gets my approval every time.  One thing though lads, why didn't you just play me the album, rather than reveal that you have secret powers beyond those of mortal men? 

Jonsi: Well, that wouldn't have made for a very interesting review now, would it?

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: ozzystylez reviews This Nation's Saving Grace by The Fall (Jan 26, 2006)


*How to successfully jeopardise your chances of continued employment with your current employer in six easy steps* 

Step One:  Turn up late and noticeably hungover, dump your bag and coat at your desk and disappear immediately into the bathroom for a fifteen minute paid poo. 

Step Two:  After returning from the bathroom, fix a little breakfast and talk about the previous evening loudly using vulgarities that can be heard by anybody calling the office by telephone. 

Step Three:  As the stares from your colleagues intensify and their frustration begins to boil over, pipe down, finish your breakfast and then go and wash up the bowl and make a cup of tea, offering nobody else a drink, assuming that they all made one for themselves when they arrived at work half an hour before you. 

Step Four:  Log in to rateyourmusic.com to see which album you have been assigned to review on the "Go Review That Album" thread.  Discover that it is The Fall's obnoxious classic This Nation's Saving Grace and realise that you are not very well versed in it as you have only owned it for a few weeks. 

Step Five:  Realise that you have This Nation's Saving Grace loaded onto i-Tunes on your company owned computer and decide to give it a spin.  You will notice that it is having a visible effect on your colleagues; "Barmy's" incessant, catchy-in-that-annoying-way riff will draw sighs from the accounts department, and you can increase their annoyance by drumming the two beats on the table each time the riff comes back in.  "What You Need" has a similarly repetitive riff that sounds like a drunk walking unsteadily home and will get on your colleague's nerves, especially if you jig around in your seat.  Turn the volume up as loud as the computer speakers will tolerate and enjoy the rest of the ride, swirling noise, sudden hooks that verge on pop, then vertical descents into shouty punk, taking in a bit of doo-wop along the plummet.  When you reach the end of this glorious cacophony, allow the dust to settle in the office, take in the relief on people's faces, then double click on the eerie "Mansion" and play through it all again. 

Step Six:  Spend the remainder of your paid working day flicking between a projected cash position for company funds and a six paragraph review of This Nation's Saving Grace, the latter of which will no doubt be the more fulfilling of the two.

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: Tezcatlipoca reviews Histoire de Melody Nelson by Serge Gainsbourg (Sep 11, 2006)


Smoke Rings and Lipstick Traces

A friend once told me that for some sociology paper she had to team up with this bearded greaseball. Apparently the guy was (in)famous for engaging in heated debates with every teacher in every class, quoting the Greek classics at the drop of a hat too if they could further his shards of knowledge. He was much older than almost everyone on campus, he liked it there so didn't bother graduating. Why look for a job when he could dwell in the cafeteria and strike a stylish pose all day long. Hair was kept unkempt, Henry Miller book on the table, smoke rings were blown.

So for the paper she had to pop by his flat to drop some books. Knocked on the door, from the other side he said "Come on in, make yourself comfortable, I'll be out of the shower in a couple of minutes". Uneasily she entered and started inspecting the dingy apartment, recalling the stories she'd heard about the guy she thought it would be wise not to lean against most things around. The sofa was right out, that would surely be the number one hotspot. He exited the bathroom wearing only shorts, uttered a giant laugh upon seeing the discomfort on her face and got closer so as to greet her with a couple of kisses. She reluctantly obliged. 

To a mention of the work they had to do together he replied with a non sequitur and begun an entrancing exposition on how much he liked the way the Mephistophellian archetype was reworked in The Devil's Advocate. Al Pacino could summon demons both literal and figurative like no one else. She noticed that beneath his lips was a small scar, like a wolf had bitten him right in the mouth, or maybe an angry lover. No matter how early in the day it was, the air was filled with the unmistakable odour of alcohol. He leaned closer, asked her to sit in the sofa. Which she did, sidestepping the million minuscule droplets of glass from a broken lamp that stood between her and the sofa.

He sat on the edge of it, let his hand subtly land on her shoulder and inquired on which were her views regarding Flaubert's depiction of women and sexuality, from the famous Bovary to that older femme in L'Éducation Sentimentale. She spoke, he stroked his beard. The telephone rings, after a couple of seconds his piercing eyes move from hers onto Bell's invention in the kitchenette. He takes the call and after about a minute into the conversation tempers fire up, excited words are exchanged, in various languages, a few insults in the mix. He hangs up violently, spitefully. Looks at her and says "I'll be with you in a minute" before going into the room adjacent.

She gets up from the sofa, feeling on edge and twitchy. Why it's anybody's guess. Where the hell did he go? And why didn't he realize that the way he looked at her made her distraught and nervous? Or did he but continued regardless? She started browsing the records on the shelf, first was Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret, then Histoire de Melody Nelson. That was enough for her, she grabbed her coat and darted out of the apartment without looking back. Didn't speak with him again, sent him her part of the paper and he pieced it together brilliantly. Last she heard there were rumours he had been charged with aggravated indecent exposure and fled to France rather than serve a couple months in jail. Truth? Who knows.

I always did think something more happened that day in the apartment but everytime I graze the subject she stares oddly into the ceiling and mysteriously says "Let's let bygones stay bygones, shall we?"

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: ozzystylez reviews Close to the Edge by Yes (Aug 11, 2006)


According to Chris Squire, "There was a period in '70's America where, if you put on side one of Close to the Edge, you had twenty minutes of uninterrupted music in which to get the deal done....that song and some pot....it was the way to get laid.  In later years I met so many women who told me that they'd lost their virginity to Close to the Edge."

What poor girls! What an ordeal! Sure, the opening minute is all charming swirls and hisses but what follows is the sort of love making music that only the highly experimental or loftily theatrical would be caught partaking in. I tried to picture myself in a position where I would plot the successful vanquishing of a lady's chastity, making sure to include the first storming barrage of unfathomable time signatures and off kilter key changes.

"Hey babe, smoke some of this sheet, it's gonna make you feel reeyal nice."

"What is it?"

"Don't worry, you'll love it, now, a little mood music I think? Are you familiar with a popular beat combo called Yes? No? Of course not, you're a virgin, how else would you have come across them unless somebody else had tried and succeeded in seducing you?"

"Oooh, it does sound really relaxing, I'm feeling sooooo horny all of a sudden, why don't you touch me here?"

"All in good time babe, let me just get this mask on, I've gotta be quick or I'll miss it when it kicks in. Here, climb into this animal skin, we're seconds away from getting jiggy with it!"

*"Close to the Edge i) The Solid Time Of Change" kicks in*

"Awwwwwwright, now just rub against things, we'll meet in the middle during the reprise of "I Get Up, I Get Down" but til then just wriggle."

"Are you sure this is how we're supposed to do it? Aren't we supposed to connect physically?"

"*sigh*  Listen treacle, this is how all the cool kids are doing it. Right now we have to interpret the music and channel the sexuality through our bodies. Now be ready for 'aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' the sudden changes and you'll start to feel incredibly attracted to me I'm sure you'll find."

"I found you attractive to begin with, this is just freaking me out."

"Don't have a cow 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!' man, watch me for the leads."

*Later, probably twenty minutes later*

[exhales cigarette smoke] "So, how was it for you?"

"It was great!  But I'm glad we turned that bloody record off, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am actually. I'd heard that it had aphrodisiacal qualities but I was too quick to jump on the bandwagon. Close To The Edge is a good record, but it's not love making music."

"God you're interesting when you talk about music, I could listen to you harp on about the intricacies of a 17/12 time signature, as appears on "Siberian Khatu"......"

"...hey, you're learning....."

"...all day, and you're right in what you say about this Yes record. You should put it into a review one day, you'd be good at that."

"Yeah, I could get paid for it too."

"Hahahahahahaha!  Yeah right!"

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: cirithungol reviews Vincebus Eruptum by Blue Cheer (Apr 09, 2009)


To the best of my recollection, I was probably about 13 years old. I was working at a local department store (R.J. Mars) in Vernon, NJ, a small town in the cow country of Sussex country. It’s a very quiet, fairly rural area just south of Orange County, New York, a town full of craft stores, pubs and even more cows. My mother worked at a bank just nearby and I was taking guitar lessons at a plaza right across the street from my place of employ. A pretty cozy arrangement, all things considered. It was also frightfully dull to be a teenager there, being a town without even a movie theater or bookstore. And as I was quickly becoming a music obsessed lad, the total lack of a music store in town was crippling. To this point I had been a very timid, church going lad, my most exotic interest being old comic books. But something was changing in my brain cells, something that led me towards the esoteric in all things, most especially music. And so I was left to scour the few stores my parents would drive me to in their limited leisure time (being a lower middle class working family, money was not abundant) or raiding the record collections of older acquaintances. One of them was a woman my mother worked with, named Nancy. She was a pleasant woman with a rock and roll hippie vibe about her. It was clear she’d come of age in the late sixties, and it showed on her a bit. Being the naïve teenager I was, I assumed that everyone who passed through that wonderful era had huge record collections, bulging with arcane delights and treasures galore. It never crossed my mind that not every hippie was a huge music fan, or that they hadn’t already sold their collections for food, gas or ganja funds. Nancy, as it turns out, didn’t have a huge collection, but she did have one thing I was very interested in. 
See, around this time my interest in heavy metal was becoming acute. I liked the stuff I heard on the radio (Motley Crue, Twisted Sister, Van Halen, Quiet Riot, etc.) but I was starting to become aware that there were whole other strata to the music. Pouring over the pages of mainstream metal rags informed me that there was both a burgeoning metal underground of independent record labels and radical sounds, but also that the music had an extensive past as well. I knew about Zeppelin and Sabbath and Purple (everyone did…it was law in the school system I attended) and the classic rock radio stations around the area (WPDH…Poughkeepsie, NY’s finest!) helped fill in the other gaps in my knowledge. Also every so often, roughly once a year, magazines like Circus and Hit Parader ran badly written and lazily researched “history of metal” articles, in which they tracked the music’s history while expending the least amount of effort possible. But one name they always dropped, however fleetingly, was Blue Cheer. They often alleged that these guys were in fact  the first heavy metal band, having released their debut album, the all heavy all the time Vincebus Eruptum in 1968. This would put the band slightly ahead of Zep, two years ahead of the Sabs, and since Deep Purple was still making largely floral psychedelia in ’68, it meant the Cheer may have trumped them as well. Sounded great! I just had to hear it, and off to the record stores I went to plunk down my stock boy paycheck in return for a beautiful copy of this holy relic.
One problem: this was 1982, and the album was out of print, out of circulation, and as it happens, pretty hard to find. When I asked the clerks at Sam Goody and Record Town about it, I was met with blank, uncomprehending expressions. Blue what? Who cheer? This clearly wasn’t going to be easy, and it was at this exact point that I discovered the phenomenon of out of print, deleted or otherwise difficult to find music. This meant I had to search for it, and that realization permanently infused in me the allure of this process. Having to search in basements, flea markets and garage sales for desired music increased my music obsession rather than frustrating me. It was like a drug; gotta have it, gotta hear it, gotta find it. And Blue Cheer was my first holy grail. 
I wasn’t alone. Over the years I’ve discovered many, many other Cheer obsessives who were in the same position as me. Some were old enough to have been fans when the band was in action during their 1968-1971 heyday, some were just curious, enthralled by the scraps of sounds they’d been able to hear from this legendary act. But for me, this band was the musical equivalent of a gateway drug, cluing me onto the fact that much of the best rock music ever recorded was obscure, out of the way and otherwise underground in nature. In the case of experimental artists, obscurity is to be expected. But the Cheer is an example of a band that was popular in their day, but had been almost totally plowed under the waves of history. There were, I would soon find, lots of bands like this, mainly heavy and progressive rock bands of the early seventies who became forgotten through their own lack of success and the vagaries of fashion (punk did a lot to bury this music and rock critics were all too happy to help dig the graves). And so bands like Bloodrock, Bang, Cactus, Dust, Warhorse, Spooky Tooth and dozens more seemed to be forgotten by the dawn of the eighties, which is right when I got interested in this stuff. 
But back in 1968, after downsizing their six piece line up to a trio and acquiring some serious amplification upgrades, Blue Cheer was an immediate sensation. Their debut album we’re speaking of shot to number 14 on the Billboard album charts, and it’s legendary take on Eddie Cochran’s “Summertime Blues” did even better as a single, getting up to number 11! The band appeared on The Steve Allen Show, performing at their now well known devastating volume levels, leading good ‘ol Steve to warn his audience as they started their second number, “It’s the Blue Cheer, run for your lives!” As was common in those days, the band issued another album in ’68, the notably sharper, tighter Outside Inside, which was probably a better album from a technical standpoint all the way around, but it didn’t sell. You can unleash any number of valid theories as to why, but I have mine. I get the idea that Blue Cheer was seen, due to their extreme volume and lead fisted playing, as a novelty act. Since they were ahead of the heavy metal curve and not nearly as musically advanced as Cream, Hendrix or even the Yardbirds, older, more sophisticated fans felt the Cheer were trading on extremity alone, with little musical value to back it up. Some of the evidence for this view is in the distorted grooves of Eruptum itself, and since the language of heavy metal wasn’t ingrained in the public mind yet, Blue Cheer sounded more like an anomaly than the new development in rock music that they were. Plus it seems more teenyboppers than serious rock heads were among the band’s first blast of fans, making them instantly unfashionable to the rock music fan elite. They proved the perceptions about their skills wrong with their subsequent work, but by then it was too late. By ’69-’70, Zeppelin were riding high, Sabbath were lurking in the shadows, and Deep Purple had finally cranked up their amps as well. The Cheer, despite carrying on fruitlessly, had become yesterday’s news with alarming. 
And so I went through a mostly fruitless walkabout to find this sainted record, not even knowing at this point that Blue Cheer ever issued another album besides it (they did…5 more in fact during the initial stage of their career). I actually found a sealed copy at a dingy second hand crap store in Sugar Loaf, NY in ’83, but its owner wanted $25 for it, stressing that it’s hermetic status meant that it had “real sixties air in there, man!” I didn’t have $25 and I didn’t want 20 year old air, so I passed. Time went by and I finally thought to ask Nancy (remember Nancy? I mentioned her a while back) if she had a copy. Not only did she own a good condition copy of Vincebus Eruptum, she had actually seen the band live in ’68! A true believer! A witness! I was ecstatic and jealous and ready to mow her lawn until I was 30 to convince her to part with it. She wouldn’t, but she did agree to bring it over to my house and let me spin it. That was gonna have to be good enough for me. 
And so on a beautiful spring Sunday afternoon, Nancy arrived at my parent’s house, mainly to do some kind of craft project with my Mother. But as promised she bought the album with her. So while my father got stupid (as was his wont) on can after can of cheap black beer whilst watching football, I eased Vincebus Eruptum onto the family turntable, slapped on the headphones and prepared to experience it. 
The first thing I noticed was how much fuzzier, louder and spontaneous the music sounded when compared to what I understood heavy metal to be. This band was wilder and less concerned with chops than Zep for example, and a million times removed from the slick, glossy sheen I’d heard on modern records. You could hear (and feel if ya cranked it up enough) the vibration of the amplifiers, the guitar sound so caked in fuzz, you’d have thought it’s strings were covered in moss. Also, the bass was loud, much louder than on any album I’d previously heard. It moved in the same sort of fashion I’d heard on songs by Cream, but with less jazzy delicacy, sounding like a caveman was handling the instrument. And the drumming, courtesy monolithic skins-man Paul Whaley, was just wide the hell open, cymbals crashing, toms thudding, making the percussive thrashing of the Who’s Keith Moon sound pretty conservative by comparison (no mean feat, I should add). Needless to say, I liked it a lot. 
But there’s a catch. As much as I loved this album, I was in a technologically challenged state at the time, lacking a cassette deck to make myself a copy of this masterpiece. So, handing it gratefully back to its owner, I had to resign myself to being satisfied with this brief glimpse of elder metal heaven. The search continued however, and as you can imagine I’d gotten interested in other things as well by this time. Providing a list of that stuff here would take up too much space, but suffice to say I had become a full blown rock junkie, seeking out everything from the Velvet Underground to Bathory with equal enthusiasm. 
As time passed I turned up some terrible condition copies of Vincebus Eruptum, but passed on the purchase as they often looked like the previous owner had eaten off them. But in 1986, fate smiled on me when Rhino records, in vinyl form only, issued Louder Than God: The Best Of Blue Cheer, a well programmed and wonderfully packaged compilation. It included a bunch of tracks from Vincebus, as well as a healthy dose of stuff from their second and third albums, which to my joy were at least as good and maybe better than the other tracks. Also featuring a wonderful essay on the rear sleeve, it quoted one eye and ear witness to one of the band’s early concerts as saying that the band played so loud they “Turned the air into cottage cheese.” Far out. It finished up with some weed-burnt mellow acoustic numbers, but so what? I had honest to god Cheer in my collection, and the band I was playing in (yeah, my guitar lessons had launched me into the ranks of a garage band amongst my high school pals) immediately added the Cheer’s “Babylon” to our repertoire. But truth be told, I STILL didn’t have an actual copy of VIncebus Eruptum. 
By this time, compact discs were replacing vinyl as the music format du jour, which was both good and bad news for music freaks like me. It meant that the going rate for new music releases jumped from around 9 bucks to 15, instantly putting some of us under stress to get higher paying jobs. But it also opened up the possibility for reissues of otherwise unavailable releases, and I quickly grabbed myself copies of both the Stooges first album (I was lucky enough to have Raw Power on vinyl) and Nico’s Chelsea Girl, two coveted masterpieces. I had moved my occupation to that of a local video store in lovely Oak Ridge, NJ, at which I managed a small music department. This gave me access to catalogs from music distributors, and I constantly checked to see if the Cheer’s albums were up for a dust off and re-release. But, amazing as it may seem, the album wasn’t back in domestic circulation until 1993, 25 years after its release. I immediately snatched up a copy, but after a full decade of searching for a copy, during which I had actually heard the album in full on a few occasions and now owned part of it on collection albums, the flimsy re-issue job done by Mercury records felt hollow and slipshod to me at the time.
But I soon got over it, especially when, at the right time of day and with the right substances involved, I was able to crank this monster up at a nice, all consuming volume and simply bathe in it. So what does Vincebus Eruptum sound like? It sounds like a crew of guys awash in enthusiasm and desire making a dense, vibrating heavy metal record before their skills were slick enough to pull it off professional-like. Now while I do insist that this is first true heavy metal album (simply because it’s the first chronological rock record to use full blown heavy amplification all the time, on every song) there are some small cracks of light that peer through the mayhem. Those cracks come in the form of recognizable blues structures and the small psych lulls that edge in from time to time. 
But as the album lifts off the pad with the band’s hit, “Summertime Blues,” it’s all about the fuzz overload, period. Leigh Stephens was the possessor of an amazing guitar tone, more so in his soloing than in his rhythm work, but as the air raid siren, ambulatory timbre of his notes emerge, you know you’re in the presence of a dude in the throes of distortion and volume worship. You just can’t get those sounds out of a guitar under normal circumstances…you have to hurt it. And the way the band pile on this old rock ‘n roll nugget is just genius, taking a familiar structure, a familiar song and pulling it’s intestines out through it’s mouth and covering it with lighter fluid before setting the whole ablaze to melt into a putrid mass of acidic, corrosive dung, should have been enough to scare many timid listeners away. And it was a hit, man! A bona fide, chart climbing, take ads out in trade magazines hit! This means that it may be not only the first heavy metal single ever released, but the first hit heavy metal single ever released. Wild. 
“Out Of Focus” is just around the corner, and this loping, lurching ride into slightly more restrained territory was written by bassist/vocalist Dickie Peterson when he was “deathly ill.” It’s not as earth quaking as the record’s other material, but still contains a snaking, twisting riff and more emergency broadcast system soloing from Stephens. I should mention that Peterson’s vocals have often been dismissed as mere Cro-Magnon grunts, but that’s a terrible mischaracterization. Compared to Tom Jones, he may have sounded a little out there to ears of the day, but his voice is more in line with good blues singers than some kind of prehistoric monster. My personal least favorite cut on the album, “Second Time Around,” comes up next, a churning cut that sort of runs in place a bit, and at least to my ears is the most undeveloped thing on the band’s first few albums. Let’s just leave it there, shall we?
The band’s take on Albert King’s “Rock Me Baby” might have suffered a similar fate, but fortunately the band amp it up, drag it out, and beat the crap out of it. The funny thing here is that band actually displays a lighter touch on this number, only to crank back up to kill levels come solo time. Why didn’t more listeners notice the deft playing here? Maybe they were too shocked by the speaker-quaking balance of the rest of the album to notice its more subtle points? Possibly, but four decades on the band still tear this one up in concert, proving their dedication to this blues standard. But the real treatment of an old school cut that Cheer really blow into orbit is Mose Allison’s “Parchman Farm,” somehow filtered through the band’s consciousness to be re-titled “Parchment Farm.”  Here, the band get down to the mean business of plowing their way through a standard structure, but they infuse it with so much amplifier noise and off the rails energy, it honestly sounds like the song could fall apart at any second. Naturally it doesn’t, but the slow, thudding, middle section feels like the band needed a bit of a rest, so intense is the rest of this number. It’s another example of their ability to take the familiar and shove a big, super fuzz big muff boot up it’s backside, remaking it into something else altogether. 
And while that cut will always be nearest and dearest to my heart, the heaviest, sickest, most outlandish number on the album is still to come in the form of “Doctor Please,” a nine minute trip through the newly plowed land called heavy. This one is the Cheer at the most wantonly destructive they’d ever be, throwing down another lumbering, stuttering riff, with a structure that basically takes two chords and wring their little necks until liquid noise oozes out of them. Stephens really gets gone on this one, wailing and pulling UFO-like noises out of his instrument, grinding the fuzz frequencies up in his strings as they bleed out of his Sherman tank sized amplifier (well, I guess it’s that big…I don’t know for sure, but that’s how it’s sounds). But the real mania of this track comes during it’s long, protracted coda, where the band thrash away on a two note theme for minute after minute, laying layers of noise, fuzz and sonic poop one on top of the other in a mantra-like delirium. Monotonous to some, bliss to others, this is the one indisputable time we hear the Cheer unleashing all of the obnoxious, brutal, sonic blast they were chided for trading in, and it’s a wonderfully harrowing performance. 
So all things considered, Vincebus Eruptum is quite a trip, and it’s one of the few albums legendary for its visceral nature that lives up completely to its own reputation. Not only that, but 40 years after it’s release, people are still trying to play the “how did they do that” game with the album, marveling at the tones and frequencies the band wrung out of what was, let’s face facts, some fairly primitive equipment. Within a few more years the arsenal designed to create heavy metal music would advance by leaps and bounds, but in ’68 the cheer were working on tinker toys by comparison. And just a note about the album’s production; right around the same time this disc was being laid down, The Stooges were also recording their debut platter. According to Iggy Pop, the band had to bully producer John Cale into allowing them to play with their amps set at full blast, the man only allowing them to take their volume knobs up to the 9 setting. Vincebus Eruptum producer Abe “Voco” Kesch seems to have had no such compunctions, and apart from some recent stoner rock albums, this is one of the few records I’ve heard where you can hear amp vibration, speaker overload and other phenomena related to amps being set on Armageddon mode. Many producers, then and now, edit such sounds out or try to avoid them completely, but the ambience they can add to a band’s performance can be critical to capturing just how loud ‘n heavy they were playing. Electric Wizard clearly knows this and so did the Cheer. 
So where does this leave me? Well, now that I’m looking down the barrel of turning 40 (a mere 4 days from the day I sit here writing this deal) I’m given to thinking back on my years as a music lunatic, mostly to remembering the key bands and albums that set me down this road to financial and moral ruin. While it would be a bit dramatic to say that Blue Cheer, and more specifically Vincebus Eruptum, ruined my life, it’s not out of hand at all to say that they did alter it considerably. And still, at least a few times a year, I lay down on the living room floor with the lights off, crank my amplifier up a few notches past its usual setting, and blast the album into my psyche once again. How long will I keep this behavior up? I have the feeling you could check in on me in five year intervals to come and find out that nothing has changed. Much like the band themselves, who, with some major ups and downs in the intervening years, are STILL at it, STILL performing at Hiroshima decibel levels, and STILL rolling down the road in search of sonic bliss and good weed. Knowing that makes me feel like I’m STILL on the band’s team in some way. It’s a good feeling. I think I’ll stick with it. 

As a side note, I should point out the growing, fungus-like reach of Vincebus Eruptum. On the internet’s current biggest user driven website, Rate Your Music, the album stands with a rating of 3.81 out of possible 5. 840 people have rated the album, with most pegging it at a quality level of between 3.5 and 4.5. 98 users have rated it as a perfect, 5.0. It is rated as the #107th best album issued in 1968, and the 4,148th best album overall, for all times. Not bad for an album that was out of print for 25 years. 
The band does indeed play on, their recently released 2007 album  What Doesn’t Kill You being coupled with a world tour, a spiffy new band website and mucho exposure. It hasn’t sold buckets or anything, but it’s RYM rating is at 3.54, well above what many of their other moderately recent albums have scored.

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: joannajewsom reviews Endless Summer by The Beach Boys (Mar 25, 2010)


When these guys said, "catch a wave and you'll be sitting on top of the world," they weren't bullshitting you. They were on top of the world. In fact, any anthropologist will tell you that life as a young surfin' white boy back in the late-50s to early-60s is objectively the best life any human has ever had and will ever have. It wasn't good enough to name a song "Fun." No. Their lives were so fun that they had to name the damn song "Fun, Fun, Fun." They are having three times the fun you could ever imagine.

I mean, how full of happiness and free of stress must your life be if you have the time to write songs about nothing else but catching a fucking wave? That is the kind of life that everyone wants, but only these surfin' white boys have actually been privileged to experience. The artists of our era are too busy getting shot 9 times to write about catching a wave. They're too busy trying to make sure they don't catch a bullet.

That's not to say that their life was perfect. They are human, after all. They do experience their share of heartbreak: 

"I never thought a guy could cry
'Til you made it with another guy"

or 

"When I watched you walk with him
Tears filled my eyes"


But you know what the next song is? "Don't Worry Baby"

You know why you don't have to worry? Because--

"The girls on the beach 
are all within reach, 
and one waits there for you."

When your baby decides to jump into the passenger seat of another guy's little Deuce Coupe, you know what you do? You just go down to the beach and get another girl, because they're always down at the beach WAITING FOR YOU. It's a simple system. When you're a surfin' white boy, your heartbreak lasts as long as it takes you to grab your board, drive down to the beach or the hamburger stand, meet another girl, and fall in love all over again. 

Logic will tell you, then, that these people never experienced heartbreak for more than 10 or 15 minutes (as someone who's been depressed for 4 years, I find that to be incredible). That's why the songs are so short. By time you get 2 minutes into singing the song you're completely over that girl and you don't care, because your life is too damn fun and you just met another California Girl at the hamburger stand. 

Nowadays, there are no hamburger stands where you can just go to and fall in love. Instead, you have to settle for the poisonous food at McDonald's, and you might be "lucky" enough to meet some trailer park mom who gives you an unenthusiastic hand job behind the deathly green dumpster while her two kids eat their happy meals in the backseat of her '87 Tempo with expired tags. Actually, you're lucky if you even make it to the McDonald's without being shot.

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: jeeeesus reviews Sticky Fingers by The Rolling Stones (Dec 02, 2004)


"TA-EEK MEH DEH-YAOWN LEEADL SOO-ZEH, TA-EEK MEH DEH-YAOWNNE"

"Mick..."

"AH NO YUH THOINK YUR THU QUOIN UV THU UNDERGRA-HAOWND"

"...Mick..."

"ENYOO CAYN SEN' ME DEAD FLAYWERS EUVRA MAWERNIN'"

"...MICK..."

"SEN' ME DEAD FLAYWERS BA THU MOIL"

"...MICK!..."

"SEN' ME DEAD FLAYWERS TO MUH WEDDIN'"

"...JESUS, MICK..."

"AN' AH WONE FIRGYET TA PUT...Wot?"

"Mick, you're from Dartford."

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: ozzystylez reviews Master of Puppets by Metallica (May 25, 2006)


03:28 EST 
28th February 1986 

James Hetfield awoke from slumber like a startled rodent and erected himself in his bed hurriedly.  He wiped the cold sweat from his frontal lobe and tried to catch his frantic breath.  He turned to his girlfriend sleeping quietly by his side and shook her awake. 

"Wha... whats going on Het?  What time is it?" 

"I've just had the most awful nightmareeeeah!" exclaimed James Hetfield, over exaggerating his last syllable as he was prone to doing in song, the dream still having some kind of effect on his social functions. 

"Awww, pussy-ribbons, wot's de matcher, are woo fwightened?" asked the soon to be Mrs. Het, adopting her nurturing voice in order to calm her frightened little boo boo. 

"Yeah I am, it was horribleeeaaah.  I dreamt it was 2006 and me and the band, we were old-ah and sad and miserable and pathetic-ah.  We wrote a record and it was an obvious fucking ploy to get the young kids to listen to us again-ah." 

"Calm down love buttons, it's just a silly dream, right?  You're in Metallica, and you've just released what is perhaps going to be seen as your crowning achievement, Master Of Puppets which has pushed the boundaries of heavy music to levels nobody even wanted to go to before." 

"Master Of Puppets?  Oh yeah, we didn't call it St. Anger then?" 

"No bubbles, that's a stupid name for a record.  No, no, your new record is non-stop groundbreaking metal through all of it's eight tracks.  It rocks like a motherfucker, and, even if I do say so myself, it just makes me want to hump you to release this excess testosterone that it gives me, and I'm a woman!" 

She snuggles up to the Het and wraps herself seductively around his muscular arm, built up from years of vigorous palm muting.  He stares vacantly into the darkness of the room.  The Het Man is in no mood for love. 

"Please, just leave me."  By this point his unusual vocal phrasing had abandoned the Het-meister, so deep was his woe.  "It was awful, Cliff wasn't in the band anymore, we had some other guy with a fat neck and an attitude problem and I beat the Hell out of him and then he left and then we got in some tribal chief to play bass." 

"Oh woopsie, you're so silly, you know Cliff's in the band, and he's one Hell of a bass player, he keeps up with you using just his fingers!  And his orchestration abilities are second to none, that track "Orion", man, that's some ambitious shit going on right there." 

The Het was not interested. 

"And Kirk's hair was falling out and he looked like a pimp.  I was embarrassed to be seen with him!" 

"Snuggles, you're being so ridiculous!  Kirk has a lovely full head of hair, and you'd never be embarrassed to be seen with someone who can solo so well, I mean, you always know when it's a Kirk solo, they're so distinct and memorable, so exhilarating!" 

The Het Monster eyed his girlfriend suspiciously, momentarily distracted from his troublesome dream by her apparent infatuation with his colleague.  Seeing his icy stare in the dim half light, Miss Het caught herself.  "But, but without you, the riff Lord, what would he have to go on?  I mean the riffs you write, they're just awesome, knock-me-down-on-my-back-with-my-legs-spread awesome.  Meaty, that's the word I use to describe it to my girls, meaty." 

Satisfied the Het resumed his vacant stare into space. 

"And Lars, oh dear God, Lars, he was an awful drummer, so dull, y'know."  He looked to his woman lying beside him for support, but she offered him nothing.  The Het frowned.  "I said...." he said. 

"I know what you said," she said.  "It's just, well, you know, Lars isn't the world's greatest drummer, but you know, he, he, er, he keeps a steady beat and that's what counts, isn't it?" 

"What's wrong, Lars been hittin' on you again?" 

"No, no, just speaking the truth." 

"And you know what?  We were like a sad bunch of middle aged men trying to remain vital in a world where we weren't the heaviest they come anymore, and I wore a stupid beanie hat all the time and stormed off in strops, and we made a movie called "Spinal Tap"?  Was that it?  I think that was us." 

"Oh my little honey bum, you're always going to be the heaviest they come, how can anything get heavier than "Battery" or "Leper Messiah"?  I mean, really, you are at the height of your powers right now baby boo, and as long as you don't let money and fame go to your head then you'll be fine." 

"Promise?" 

"Promise," she pulls him close and hugs him tightly, kisses him on his head. 

"Because if you go back on your word, and all this shit does happen, I guarantee I'll be psychologically traumatised and buy one of those stupid kit cars you hate so much." 

"Oh Pooky, it's never gonna happen, here, let's listen to your new record, then you'll see how truly awesome you really are, won't you?" 

The Het bounces excitedly in the bed, "Yeah, yeah!  Master Of Puppets, Master Of Puppets!" 

"Alright, settle down, I know it's good, but I need some sleep, alright baby, so you put on your headphones, and no rocking out too much, okay?" 

"Oh alright then, give me the headphones."

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: ozzystylez reviews Ride the Lightning by Metallica (Nov 03, 2009)


One Tuesday evening as the hours became wee and small, fifteen year old Freddy Funpants - the victim of regular bullying and abuse at his school due to the hilarity that his name caused and the cruelty of other kids his age - sat in front of his computer screen which beamed the pages from an illegal file sharing torrent site into his dingey room. It was the sort of room that only families with no money can buy. Freddy Funpants had heard a couple of songs by a band called Metallica, and the aggression and anger that their music was fuelled by had struck a chord with his own anger, one that raged like a trapped bird inside of him. He had done some research on the internet but found very few sites where he could listen to their music for free. But something about Metallica had inspired Freddy enough to refuse to give up and his lack of money had led him to turn to illegal file sharing.  

Ride the Lightning had come highly recommended and he had only just clicked the link to download the album's file when the phone rang.  His parents were out drinking so Freddy hurried to answer it in case it was the police asking him to confirm an alibi again.

"Hello?" said Freddy.

"Is this Freddy Funpants?" rasped the voice on the other end of the phone. It sounded like the man was trying to sound menacing and his voice lacked any of the usual attempts to stifle a laugh when he said the word Funpants.

"Yes," replied Freddy a little warily.

"So, you like Metallica do you?"

"I think so," Freddy was startled by the coincidence.

"What do you mean, you think so?" asked the voice, taking on an even poorer attempt at a menacing growl.

"Well, I heard a couple of tracks by them and liked them a lot, and I was just about to download Ride the Lightning when you called. It's quite a coincidence in fact that you should call."

"AHA! Gotch'ya! You were about to illegally download the music of Metallica! You admitted it!"

"Who is this?" asked a by now startled Freddy Funpants. "How did you get this number?"

"I got one word for ya, F. B. I."

"That's not one word."

"Alright, one acronym, but what I mean is that I got your number from the F.B.I, they give me everybody's number who tries to illegally download the music of Metallica."

"Why?"

"Because you're stealing from Metallica, you're stealing my money, I'm Lars Ulrich, you may remember me from such drum fills as that one at the start of "Fade to Black", that one in the silent pause in "For Whom the Bell Tolls" and, well, others."

"Well, I'm afraid I don't because I haven't even had the chance to listen to it yet. Listen Mr. Rich..."

"Ulrich."

"Sorry, Ulrich. I only did it because I really felt  some connection with the couple of songs I have heard by your band, but my family is poor and my parents spend all their money on booze. All I wanted was one record."

"That may very well be Freddy Funpants, but did you ever stop to think of all the work we put into creating a masterpiece like Ride the Lightning?  The hours me and James..."

"Who's James?"

"The other guy in Metallica. Did you ever stop to think how many hours we spent in his garage writing those killer riffs?"

"I thought you were the drummer."

"Well, okay, did you ever think how many hours we spent in James' garage drinking beer and rocking out so that we were solid enough for my drumming to compliment perfectly James' killer riffs?"

"Well, no."

"Did you ever think how many hours of guitar lessons Kirk Hammett had to..."

"Who's Kirk Hamlet?"

"Hammet. He's another guy in Metallica. Did you ever stop to think how many hours of guitar lessons he would have had to take and pay for to be able to pull off the solos that he pulls off on that album?"

"Well, no."

"Did you think that song structures as epic and inventive as we came up with back in those good old days just come to us in the night, without the blood, sweat and tears and consequent lack of earnings?"

"Well, no, but like I say, I haven't heard the record because it's not downloaded onto my computer yet and I've been talking to you. But if it's going to be this much trouble I won't bother."

"What, you're not going to listen to it?"

"No."

"But it's a classic."

"Well, that's what I read, but if it means going to jail I'd rather not hear it."

"But it's worth going to jail for. Most prisoners love Metallica anyway, there are loads of Metallica fans in jail that you can enthuse about Metallica with when you're in there."

"Why do so many criminals like Metallica?"

"They weren't criminals before they listened to Metallica, illegally. Did you know about 65% of prisoners incarcerated in the prison system of the US are there because of illegal file sharing of Metallica's music?"

"No."

"It's so good that people will risk it all just to hear it."

"Look, what are you trying to acheive here, do you want me to hear it or not?"

"Yeah, I want you to hear it but I want you to pay for it."

"Well I can't afford to."

The voice on the other end of the phone hesitated and then Freddy Funpants heard the caller let out a long sigh.

"Well, okay then, go and listen to the album, I'll let you off just this once."

"Really? Thanks."

"You should pay particular attention to the drum sound, the power in those toms took us absolutely ages to acheive, but it was worth it as I'm sure you'll agree."

"Well, I'll go and check it out then."

"You do that."

"Thanks Mr. Rich."

"Ulrich."

Freddy Funpants put the phone back on the receiver and ran excitedly into his room. The file had downloaded and he performed all of the technical ins and outs that made it play on his computer. It started off with classical guitar and Freddy thought for a moment that he'd been duped by that weird Rich guy but then with a swell of distortion the album began proper and like a relentless juggernaut nearly detonated the young man's skull.  He felt empowered as euphoric rush after euphoric rush of guitar ecstacy flooded over him and took up residence in his room without asking, but he was very glad that it was there.

Following the thrilling climax to "The Call of Ktulu", which had impressed Freddy Funpants so much that he remembered something Mr. Rich had said about song structure, the album finished and there was a disappointing vacuum left in the room. Freddy reached for the mouse again to click play when there was a violent knocking at the front door.

"Open up, It's the F.B.I. Open up immediately, do not flush your stash into the recycle bin! We know what you're up to in there!"

Freddy wondered whether the prisoners in jail could smuggle in copies of Metallica's other records or whether this would be the last he heard of the band that had changed his life for many years. He clicked play and then got up from his seat and went to the door.

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: ozzystylez reviews Marquee Moon by Television (Oct 14, 2005)


I think that this is due to be the 100th review of Marquee Moon, so rather than repeat the same congratulations to the guitarists that 99 other reviewers have made, and instead of patting Tom Verlaine on the back for his song writing abilities, I thought I might compare this debut from Television to tonight's terrestrial UK television. 

7:30 Coronation Street vs. "See No Evil" 
Endlessly entertaining as it is to watch inbred northerners have affairs with their son's fiance, or gigantic pit-bull-faced women smear themselves in orange day-glo tan whilst shouting at their partner until a church is found for their reluctant union of hearts, Television come out on top in the first round if only for the fantastic jangly riff that fills my heart with more happiness than ugly fat women belting seven shades of shit out of each other ever could.  The solo is fretwank-tastic too. 

8:00 Eastenders vs. "Venus de Milo" 
More miserable ashen faces, more over-the-top disputes between people that not only live and work in Albert Square, with other residents of the Square, they also socialise in the Square and no one owns a washing machine so they all have their dirty laundry washed and aired by Pauline Fowler.  No wonder they're so bitchy.  Television (the band) are triumphant again here, little contest between misery and musical mastery.  Guitars that seem to imitate a peel of bells, a conversational chorus, and spacey solos.  Inspired. 

[earlier that evening] 6:30 Hollyoaks vs. "Friction" 
A soap so ridiculous that not even wooden acting can hide the shockingly unrealistic plot twists.  Supposedly the cast are picked on their looks, but to be honest I've seen better looking chicken curries splashed against the porcelain of my toilet bowl. 
These scouse/mancunians are no match from the kinky funk of "Friction", which is also meritable for it's success in squeezing "Take note of my Dick.........Tion" in amongst all of the musical haphazadry, a cheeky play on words indeed. 

9:00 The 9 o'clock News vs. "Marquee Moon" 
Lately it seems that God has finally given up on us and decided he's given us enough chances to all get along and decided that he will give us an unpleasant dose of his infamous Wrath.  There seems to be natural disasters every week, there was even a Tornado (the second this year)where I live in Moseley, Birmingham, England.....England??!!.  Is this a media frenzy or is this just the end of the world?  There are constant reports of death from this ridiculous religious crusade of America's, and not even the local news channels have happy "Cat stuck up tree and rescued by animal-loving grandma" stories anymore. 
"I remember how the darkness doubled/I recall how lightning struck itself/I remember listening to the rain/And hearing something else."  These lines seem to take on new meaning now.  "Marquee moon is and obvious winner because it's far better to listen to the rousing climax of the finale to the solo section than it is to hear about what a cruel world we live in. 

7:45 England vs. Poland 
Finally England find their form and beat neutral Poland 2-1.  But there is only one winner here, you guessed it, it's those Television boys.  There are immense amounts of fun to be had trying to hit the cymbal beat in time with the record after the chorus line; "Elevation, Don't go to my head"-boom.  Or is it "Don't go to my he-boom"?  I get it right about one in five attempts. 

9:30 Some Celebrities Attempting to do Something 'Reality' based vs "Guiding Light" 
Have you ever watched a society 'It' girl wank off a pig?  It's much less arousing than you might think.  Television (the popular beat combo) win hands down and un-clenched! 

10:00 CSI Miami vs. "Prove It" 
Crime solving has never been so digitally enhanced, nor so quick and easy, nor has it been so sexy.  Only in Miami can you walk onto a closed crime scene without your hair tied back and wearing no protective clothing, and make a bee line for the one piece of microscopic forensic evidence that will solve your entire case.  All of this is done in a smashing blouse.  Of course. 
"Prove It" wins for being able to prove it more realistically than this show ever could. 

11:00 Britain's Best Loved Love Songs vs. "Torn Curtain" 
Up against the likes of Robbie Williams' "Angels" and Chris de Bergh's "Lady In Red" you wouldn't expect an epic finale like "Torn Curtain" to struggle, and you'd be right to think that.  With a few exceptions (including "Unchained Melody" coming in at number one - The Righteous Brothers version), this list of songs lacked any sincerity and was like an identity parade line-up of all of the worst cliches imaginable by the human mind.  "Torn Curtain" spanked it like a naughty little boy's backside, and finished the evening on a soaring high for Television (the instrument fondlers). 

So, if anyone wants to know how good Marquee Moon is, you can tell them with confidence that it is far better than last night's television.

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: ozzystylez reviews Five Leaves Left by Nick Drake (Nov 16, 2009)


On the photos that adorn the inside covers of this record Nick Drake bears an uncanny resemblance to my father when he was a young man, so much so that conspiracy theorists and nut-balls alike might be inclined to argue that Drake never actually died but slipped away from the lemon light (never having experienced the lime light) in order to marry my mother and start a family with her.  I know this to be untrue as my mother has never heard of Nick Drake, and neither had my father for that matter until I brought his doppelganger to his attention.  Unless of course they are continuing to live out an elaborate lie to which I can never be privy. 

Fortunately I am neither a conspiracy theorist nor a nut-ball and do not think for a moment that I might be the offspring of one of the 70's most unappreciated talents.  There are many logical reasons for me to think this way, not least among them being that my father, though a fan of music, displays very little musical talent.  Sure, he played drums in a band up until he was over his mid-life crisis, and true, he taught me some of the skills which helped me become the drummer I am today.  However, sit him in front of a keyboard or plonk a guitar on his lap and he takes on the appearance of a first grader discovering a book on complex algebra and trying to apply it to the picture book reading material they give to kids today.  Unless he is taking his elaborate lie to the extreme of never wanting to touch the guitar again in his life then he is clearly not Nick Drake because Drake's finger picking style belies a love for music and a dedication to his art.  Touches of classical brighten up more traditional folk styling and make songs such as the brooding "Day Is Done" or "Three Hours", with its thrilling pace change, into masterpieces that once written could never go un-played.   

Similarly my father’s piano playing abilities are non-existent and whilst Drake's are in no way virtuosic nor a match for his guitar skills, he does have a lovely way about him and "Saturday Sun" is evidence enough of this making for a wonderfully uplifting album closer right up until the last couplet where the Saturday sun turns to Sunday rain.  My father would never think so morosely as this either, he has an upbeat temperament and, aside from when he is sitting in traffic or making sure we all get somewhere on time, tends to look to the positives in life, unlike Nick. 

Having such little musical ability on anything beyond percussive instruments, my father would likewise struggle to know where to begin with orchestration for larger ensembles of musicians which would make his ability to write songs such as the stunning and haunting "Way to Blue" nigh on impossible because if you can't comprehend something then there is little chance that you could use that lack of comprehension to create something so musically brilliant and moving almost completely by accident, with or without the help of Robert Kirby or Harry Robinson. 

And, unless my father is determined to conceal every part of his considerable talent in order to live out this elaborate lie, then his ability as a vocalist certainly would prove beyond a doubt that he is not Nick Drake.  My father refrains from singing as much as possible but when I do catch him singing along to his favourite songs, which never have included anything particularly folksy, his understanding of tone, pitch or melody are conspicuous by their absence and his attempts to stay in tune are heavy handed and in direct opposition to Drake's soft, calming and meditative note perfect voice. 

Finally, if my father was Nick Drake and if Nick Drake was determined never to play music again and wanted to hide his abilities for the rest of his life, then surely some of his talent would have passed down the DNA chain to me and I would be able to write, if not songs of equal magnificence and majesty, then at least ones that are even halfway decent, but as years of trying have proven that that is not the case. 

So, in conclusion, Nick Drake is not my father; he died years ago when everyone said he did and took with him the talent which has been recognised more and more with each passing year.  But I am glad of this as I like my Dad the way that he is, and living in the shadow of such a musical talent would be hard, especially as I seem to be amounting to nothing more than a struggling musician myself.  But then Nick spent his life being unappreciated so we may not see evidence of my own genius until I have either died or taken on a whole new identity and begun living the lie myself.

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: atomicWedgie reviews Dirty by Sonic Youth (Nov 15, 2006)


Dirty starts off like a runaway grocery cart storming down California Street in San Francisco.  The wheels are wobbling.  The wire cage is rattling.  The contents--empty bottles and cans gathered by a bum earlier in the day, the same bum that accidentally let the cart go while bending over to pick up a semi-flattened Coors can--are slamming around inside the cart and occasionally flying out onto the street.  The cart barely missed the door of a car that opened in front of it.

1.  100%
At first, of course, it seemed like a situation that could be controlled.  The bum--OK, OK, the homeless man--turned around as soon as he sensed his cart full of treasures was beginning to creak down the hill.  He reached out for it but stumbled and missed the grip.  Unfortunately, the stumble brought him to his knees.  The cry for help went unheeded.  The tourists looking down the hill toward Union Square turned to see what was happening but were either stunned or simply indifferent.  One man in a suit tried to grab the cart but pulled back when he caught a glimpse of an approaching car out of the corner of his eye.

2.  Swimsuit Issue
The cart quickly gathered speed.  It took only a couple of seconds for people to realize that it was too late for them to react and alter the outcome of the situation.  Within a couple of seconds it was too late.  It was already moving too fast for anybody to catch up with it.  At some point it became loud.  Very loud.
Faster.
Faster.
Faster.
Wobbly wheels.  Acceleration.  Speed. 

3.  Theresa's Sound World
Airborne!
Grant Avenue.  Time stands still.  The bottles and cans--most remaining within the cart--hang suspended in midair.  The sun shines through the green glass of Mendocino red bottles to create green shadows on the asphalt below.  Frozen.  The intersection flattens space and time.  The cart is airborne.  It has to end here.  It must.   The towering inferno is all that's left, then the heart of finance.
Wobble.
Tilt.
Turn.
It must be over.

4.  Drunken Butterfly
Somehow, the cart rights itself.  Now, like a bullet from a gun, its shooting straight down the hill.  It passes a cable car loaded full of tourists wearing t-shirts and shorts despite the sixty degree weather and stiff wind (hey, it's sunny California, right?).
Faster.
Faster.
Faster.

5.  Shoot
To the left is a great steak restaurant within a fancy hotel.  Forty dollar steaks.  Mmm, good.  Ahead, the remains of the Pacific Stock Exchange.  It's all so clear, then suddenly blurred.
Explosion!
Cans and bottles everywhere.
Passenger door--black--crushed.
Air bags.
Like the oranges spilled by Don Corleone, the recyclables litter the street around the car.

6.  Wish Fulfillment
The homeless man suddenly finds himself fighting for air.  The car, my God.  The car.  They never saw it coming.
The kid.
No,
no,
no!
The kid!

7.  Sugar Kane / Orange Rolls
The overcoat flaps uselessly behind him as the homeless man barrels down the hill.
"My God!  My God!"
People watch him pass by.  What has he done, this bum?  What would cause a panic in a man that obviously cares so little for himself?
What indeed?  Look at how he dresses himself.  He's covered in grease and dirt.  When was the last time he had a bath or shower?
Christ almighty.
"My God!"
Imagine a child lying in the street, the eyes lifeless and blank.
Not again.
Not again.

8.  Youth Against Fascism
The passenger's seat was empty in the car the shopping cart struck.  Empty.  No person was hurt.  The car, sure, it's a hell of a dent.  Fuck.  Glass and empty beer cans litter the street surrounding the car.  Nobody was hurt, thank God.  Nobody was hurt.

9.  Nic Fit
"Is that your god-damned shopping cart?!?!"
"Uh . .."
"Fucking dick, is that your God damned shopping cart?!?!?"
". . . "
"You fucking bum!  Look at my car door!  Look at it!  It's fucking dented!  DENTED!  You sonofabitch!  This is a BMW 325i you lazy bum!  Do you know how much this is going to cost?"
"I used to own a 700 series--"
"Shut up you lazy bum!  I'm going to kick your fuckin'--"


10.  On the Strip / Chapel Hill
By the time the driver becomes really heated, a crowd has gathered around the car and the men.
Oh, shit.
The passenger's seat was empty. 
No harm.
No harm.
Dents, yes, but nobody was hurt.
No harm.


11. JC / Purr
Breathe.
Breathe.
.
.
.
As the crowd gathers around the driver--he suddenly finds himself sitting on the curb--the homeless man slips away.
Nobody sees him.
Look at all the broken glass.
The beer cans.
The dent.
My God, the dent.

12.  Creme Brulee
The Embarcadero.  A giant bow and arrow.
Bay Bridge.
Waves.
Everything is OK.
Homeless, yes, but nobody was hurt.
Not today.
. . . not today . . .