Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: Favian_Lobo reviews You Made Me Realise by My Bloody Valentine (Jul 08, 2011)

Bullet for My Valentine surely must be a shit band because every time I attempt to show this band to anyone they confuse the two and cringe with immeasurable horror.

#1

"No you dumb fuck, it's My Bloody Valentine."

"I just don't want to hear it, it's not my type of music."

"I really think you're confusing this band with that shit band Bullet for My Valentine."

"Like I said, I'm just not into that genre. Thanks though."

"BUT IT'S A DIFFERENT FUCKING BAND!"

"Agree to disagree I guess."

"I'm sure you haven't even heard it."

"I've heard it."

"What you heard is a metal band called BULLET for my Valentine! I'm talking about MY Bloody Valentine, completely different story. It's an 80s band, I know you'll like it."

"I just don't like music like that alright!"

"You idiot, you think just because they both have Valentine in the name then it must be the same emo bullshit. It's different, fuck! What don't you understand? It's a good band...you'll fucking like it goddamnit!"

"Alright I'm outta here, you're sounding crazy."

"You're making a big mistake man, big mistake."

#2

"Wow, you jumped as if my headphones had aids or something"

"It's just...I really don't want to hear it."

"You don't even want to give it the benefit of the doubt?"

"I'm good, thanks."

"Listen to me. This isn't what you think it is. This is good. I promise. What would I gain lying to you saying this is something it's not?"

...

"So you're just going to walk away is that it? Not even gonna say anything, huh? Real mature."

#3

"I would rather listen to an acoustic Bret Michaels album on repeat all day, then some pussy metal boy band."

"My Bloody Valentine is an Irish shoegaze band formed in the 1983. They sound like a mix between Jesus and the Mary Chain, Sonic Youth and the Velvet Underground. They are highly experimental and use a lot effects to give their music ambience and rich textures. I think I have been courteous enough with you all day and reasonable enough, for you to at least grant me a minute of your time to listen to what would most definitely become a pleasurable and insightful experience.”

“Fuck off.”

And those are just three examples out of the thousands I have experienced because Bullet for My Valentine tainted the word “Valentine” for eternity and made it synonymous with shit. As for the EP, it’s alright, I like it.

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: theironlung reviews Greed by Swans (Jul 29, 2012)

Sex With Michael Gira.

What is sex like with Michael Gira? It’s a question I’ve pondered many times, about a great many men, but the thought of sexual intercourse with Michael Gira is something I constantly return to, more so than others. Sex with Friedrich Nietzsche must have surely been terrifyingly masochistic and dangerous (not without protection, Freddy). Ingmar Bergman’s many affairs meant he was probably a great lover in bed, but he also probably cried relentlessly afterwards every time out of guilt and the lack of God’s answers for shagging. Someone like Cary Grant would have been a fantastically smooth talker, but given that he was probably gay, he would also have probably been a slight disappointment. Klaus Kinski would probably not allow you to make a single sound, in case you distract him from his task. A Marlene Dietrich would probably eat you alive and forget about you immediately. Patti Smith may have never been the most attractive woman, but she probably knows what she’s doing. I would expect nothing less than a great night with Nick Cave. Grace Kelly was probably too gracious and beautiful and perfect and angelic to have ever had anything as human as sex and all of her children arrived by stork.

But Michael Gira? Lord knows what that’s like. I don’t think Jarboe could bring herself to talk about it if you asked her, it was probably too terrifying, or maybe even non-existent. After many hours pondering (because what better things do I have to do than ponder how Michael Gira tackles penetration?), I have come to the conclusion that Mr. Gira is either entirely asexual and has always been that way, or he’s a complete fucking jackhammer. I can imagine him hating sex like he hates absolutely everything. On the other hand perhaps he only hates everything because he does not get enough sex. If it’s the latter than he’s probably incredibly frustrated in bed anyway, and it leads to 300mph machine-gun fucking. Does he even have a mattress? Is it just a metal or concrete slab? I doubt Michael Gira has a memory foam mattress. There’s probably a bunch of metal chains hanging around for sado-masochistic stuff, and also love poems to Jarboe and some hot waitress in a place he frequents, although I suppose Michael Gira probably only eats goat intestines, which they don’t serve in this hypothetical place. Probably Michael Gira just likes the coffee. Am I the only one asking these questions?

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: RickofLaval2 reviews Isn't Anything by My Bloody Valentine (Dec 28, 2011)

I went into record store, in early 1989, and there was this beautiful girl. She thought I worked there, so she started to seduce me. She asked, "Hey do you have the new My Bloody Valentine album Isn't Anything?"

I responded, "No...I...I don't know who they are, sorry."

Then she touched me at the hips and said in a soft voice, "Do you work here?"

I started to shake nervously as there were others starting to notice. I said in a flat voice, "No".

She slapped me and screamed, "Pervert!". 

Immediately, I walked over to the M section and found the album as people were yelling, "Call the cops". The girl screamed  like a banshee,  "Pervert, he touched me!!!"

The cops were called. Never again did I visit this store, but I ended up buying the album before being handcuffed. Best Purchase ever.

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: ozzystylez reviews Lift Yr. Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven by Godspeed You Black Emperor! (Oct 12, 2012)

Project; After the Event.

Log #47

23/11/09 AD2198

It's been three years now and I am still no closer to understanding artefact KRANK043 than I was when we first unearthed it. Having scrutinised the paper and the cardboard outer layer, handling them delicately with tweezers, any clue, any hint of what this might have represented before The Event has led to a dead end. Oftentimes it feels as though a cruel joke or as though the architects of this widely debated archaeological find are laughing from their graves as we try to reconstruct the message delivered in this thing of untameable power. The most recent of these was the lead which we followed when we made the connection between the band in the photograph inside and the Nazi Punk movement of the late 20th Century. Having sourced some of the music from this genre we could only conclude that the band pictured were most certainly not the band that we hear on these discs and furthermore, the words on their clothing look to have been superimposed, which only adds to the mystery as this could well be another statement being made to the people who lived before The Event. Perhaps a warning of some kind?

On the reverse of this photograph is a timeline which seems to describe the path of the music and assembled sounds. This has furthered our understanding of what the musicians were trying to achieve but, alas, has also opened up more avenues of thought amongst the professors studying this relic. There are moments in "Gathering Storm" where the mood does seem to create an image in the head of the listener of a gathering storm of heavy clouds which eventually breaks, but it is followed by an announcement issuing a warning against people not affiliated with Barco AM/PM; some thinkers are proposing that it was members of the Barco AM/PM cult who instigated the events leading up to The Event whilst others dismiss this as paranoid ramblings of clueless men, but argue instead that a black cloud of pollution did cover the earth during the early years of the 21st Century, and the fear that these musicians had was that it would break and their efforts to warn the planet of the dangers that they would face should it rain down on them were crystallized in the very dark and sombre mood which follows the moment when the storm breaks. But then the gathering of the storm sounds quite beautiful and the first drops of rain that we hear are very gentle.

So this part of the evidence can be frustrating to look into, particularly as the timescale seems to be incorrect in many instances and the numbers seem to be purposefully misleading as opposed to helpful or enlightening. But I have nowhere else to turn and I am running short on answers. I know that it remains imperative that I come to some conclusions as this has been a discovery which holds so much power and knowledge if we can only extract it. There is a chance that there is a warning hidden inside, a warning that might help us to avoid another event like The Event.

The only thing that I can be completely sure on is that this artefact can take me by the throat and drag me, sometimes against my will, through every aspect of the human condition; with it playing I can feel every emotion that our forefathers felt before The Event. Rather than just fear and hunger I can feel the human response to beauty; sometimes during what we have come to call "World Police and Friendly Fire" every hair on my body pricks up on end and I feel for a moment the electricity and the rush of absolute terror, a memory I have from my early childhood just before The Event. There is elation and thrilling excitement for a brief moment and the disappointment when it is snatched away as quickly as it was given some time during the indeterminable section we are guessing is called "She Dreamt She Was a Bulldozer". Sometimes I think that all of my research is in vain, that no single interpretation is ever going to be enough. I have tried without success to convince the head of the research team to allow me to release this to all of the survivors in the hope that collectively we can all understand it, and that it can enhance their lives as it has mine and the other members of the research team.

There continue to be mysteries to unfold but I personally feel that I cannot unfold them alone; there is something very human about this and it is as hard to unlock the complex workings of our brain as it is to unlock the message which this music is undoubtedly delivering. But as we enjoy the company of others, and often for reasons that are completely unknown to us, so too could we all benefit from regular exposure to artefact KRANK043. Healing the wounds following The Event could maybe be sped up tenfold or more with a glimpse at what once made us great as a race, without all of the things that brought about our downfall.

End.

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: rushomancy reviews Crac! by Area (Aug 12, 2009)

Funny, isn't it, the ideas people get about genre.  Someone will say about, for instance, this record, or about _Tago Mago_: 

"Well, obviously this isn't prog rock." 

If asked why they have that particular impression, their response will, generally, boil down to this: 

"Because I hate prog rock, and I like this." 

It works the other way, too, mind.  I knew a fellow who was absolutely dead certain convinced that Funkadelic were a progressive rock band, because really, how could any band that great not be progressive rock? 

I also knew a guy who invented an entire genre of music, which seemed to encompass all the music he, personally liked.  If someone wants to do that I guess that's fine.  What amazes me is that his little made-up genre actually had some degree of wider acceptance.  As if there was anything that Kate Bush and Magma had in common in terms of musical style. 

I knew another guy... well, I didn't know him.  I was listening to the radio one day years and years ago, and they were talking about Demetrios Stratos.  (If you're wondering why they were discussing Demetrios Stratos on the radio, this was WFMU.)  Anyway, the DJ who was interviewing this guy only knew Stratos from his solo work, and was actually under the impression that Area were a mainstream Italian pop band.  I guess because their records said "International POPular Group" on the cover.  Probably he hadn't had the opportunity to hear them. 

All this leads to my current distrust of genre. 

The larger point is this: Whatever this is- prog, jazz-fusion, Italian pop- it's certainly very good, although I do sometimes find myself wishing Stratos did more singing, or was more integrated into the goings-on, and the first side overall outshines the second, particularly the utterly classic first two tracks.  And whatever it is, it's certainly not typical.  Recommended.

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: RIStout reviews Amplifier Worship by Boris (Dec 15, 2005)

Rock 'n' Roll Elementary 

2112 Teenage Rebellion Lane 

Podunk, Nowheresville 

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Postrock, 

  This letter is in regards to your child Boris. While he/she/he is very intelligent and talented, has a delightful personality, and is quite calm and well-mannered outside of class, we've noticed some behavioral problems that have arisen lately. Your young student tends to interrupt classroom proceedings with voracious energy, ferociously stomping and jumping up and down, throwing (expensive) furniture, and generally creating havoc. Boris can also be loud, VERY loud. This anarchy is very distressing to their classmates. Why just the other day, after a particularly rambunctious session, I found little Lemmy Heavymetal cowering in a corner, muttering something I couldn't understand. I might be wrong, but I believe it was in Japanese. When I finally was able to calm him down a bit, he broke into tears, bitterly lamenting that he could not make his guitar put out that big noise. I fear this may be only the first of many psychological problems which may come to the fore if we do not address Boris' forceful style. 

  We do not wish to stifle the creativity of your pride and joy, but to channel it constructively. Indeed, on the plus side, Boris has the amazing ability to focus for long periods of time. But often this focus is accompanied by a deep keening drone which disturbs the children. Amazingly your son/daughter/son has done well with homework and is nearly a straight A student, as you well know. We see a bright future for Boris if only it would bring its three heads together and pay attention to the work like the others. I'd like to set up an appointment for you to come in and we can try and find a solution to this situation. 

Sincerely, 

Miss Rourke 

3rd Period Power-Chording

Las Mejores Críticas de RYM: ozzystylez reviews ( ) by Sigur Rós (Jul 30, 2007)

Scene: interior of Sigur Ros' management offices on a cold day in Iceland.  All exchanges will be in English to make it easier for the reader. 

Manager: Alright lads!!  How's it going?  How's the new album?  Come in, come in, give us the lowdown.  You got a name for it yet? 

Jonsi: No, we're err, we're not going to have a title for this one. 

Manager: Right, right.  Might be difficult, but I like it, yeah, good marketing point.  Okay, but what about the songs, have they got...... 

Jonsi shakes his head slowly 

No, of course not, why have song titles if you haven't even called your album anything?  Okay, I can probably get round that too.  What I need is an idea, some themes, what are you singing about? 

Jonsi: Well, I'm not actually singing any words, just making noises with my mouth that sound a bit like words. 

Manager: O............K. 

Jonsi: Well, technically, it's our own made up language, but it doesn't mean anything.  Essentially I'm just going la la la la, blurblurble, lala.   

Manager: Again, interesting, but I'm really going to be struggling selling this one to the public.  You crazy kids.  I mean, how are you going to sell this? 

Jonsi: Well, look here, look.  Peer into the mystical sea shell and your questions will be answered. 

Inside the sea shell there is a vision of Heaven, it is the day after Judgement Day, the results are in and God is handing out the prizes. 

God: SO, THAT WAS THE CORRECT WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.  NOW, NEXT UP WE HAVE THE BEST ALBUM BY A NON ETHEREAL BEING.  THE CONTENDERS ARE: 

RADIOHEAD, PINK FLOYD, THE BEATLES AND SIGUR ROS. 

SO, LET'S OPEN UP THE ENVELOPE. 

AH, MY FAVOURITE TOO, THE WINNER IS................SIGUR ROS WITH THEIR ALBUM WHICH IS UNUTTERABLE BECAUSE IT IS IN FACT THE WORD OF GOD, AND DOWN THERE ON EARTH, YOUR TINY LITTLE EAR DRUMS WOULD HAVE BLOWN APART IF YOU HEARD ME SPEAK. 

RYM Member with little respect for the supreme being:  But why that one sir, why not Revolver?  We all know that that is commonly regarded as being the best. 

God: WELL, WHY DON'T WE ASK MATTHEW OSBORNE, HE CAN PROBABLY EXPLAIN IT BETTER THAN I CAN. 

Matthew Osborne: Thanks God, the reason it is the best is because it can move you like when you realise that one day you're going to die, but at the same time it reminds you of all the goodness and light in the world. 

God: THANKS MATTHEW, VERY SUCCINCT AS USUAL.  NOW, IF WE CAN MOVE ON TO THE NEXT CATEGORY OF BEST ASS.................. 

Jonsi closes the sea shell and gives the manager a knowing look 

Manager: Okay, I'm sold, that sounds pretty good, and a recommendation from Matthew Osborne gets my approval every time.  One thing though lads, why didn't you just play me the album, rather than reveal that you have secret powers beyond those of mortal men? 

Jonsi: Well, that wouldn't have made for a very interesting review now, would it?